New Malden Fest (part 1)

I haven’t updated this blog for months – but that’s fine. Absolutely nothing of interest happened to me this summer.

This Saturday marked the inaugural New Malden Fest; this new annual event is the brainchild of my associate Alastair, who is sadly leaving New Malden’s suburban shores to start a new life in Bristol, spiritual home of Isambard Kingdom Brunel, trip-hop and the slave trade. As the last of our group of friends to depart New Malden for pastures new*, he felt that the world’s greatest suburban town deserved a proper send-off. So he organised a day of sporting events, half of which didn’t take place in New Malden.

First up was football, which took place at Tolworth’s GOALS. Tolworth isn’t part of New Malden, officially, but Alastair expressed hope that Tolworth could, in future, be subsumed under the roof of a Greater New Malden.

We arrived early and brimming with physical prowess. Arriving at the changing rooms, we noted that Tolworth’s locals haven’t quite reached the levels of p.c. civility expected of New Malden citizens, if the names of their five-a-side teams are anything to go by:


Inter Your Nan not doing so well

We had the pitch – and a view of the inspiring Tolworth tower – for two hours, which gave us enough time for a couple of four-a-side matches and a penalty shoot-out.


Alastair twats a penalty past the cat-like Geoff

Next up was bowling, which took place across the road at Tolworth’s Charington Bowl, which has been around since the dawn of bowling time. After some greasy burgers, we got down to the important business of knocking over some pins. Over and over again we pulverised the little skittle-y bastards, but again and yet again they were repositioned exactly in the same spot by a deus ex machina.

Eventually, and despite the best efforts of Euan and Geoff, Alastair emerged victorious, with his violence-based game coming good in the end, after sorting out some minor radar issues. After being presented with their shiny runners-up medals, Euan and Geoff presented Alastair with his much-deserved trophy, though Geoff did turn away in disgust during the presentation. Poor sportsmanship from the Yorkshire legend.


Euan, Geoff and Alastair seem suitably proud of their baubles

Alastair had also secured a trophy and runner-up medals for football. Matt texted the lady Sarah Rah, who had witnessed the football as a thoroughly unbiased neutral observer, decided that other-Sarah (hitherto to be referred to as Northern Sarah) and Matt deserved the runner-up medals “for being a girl” and “for scoring five goals” respectively. I was the winner “for running about a lot”


Sarah, me and Matt: The winners of ‘best New Malden Fest footballers 2009’

That’s all for now. Watch out for part 2, which, mercifully, will actually take place in New Malden.

* All leave, but all will one day return

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~ by jamboshoeshine on September 15, 2009.

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